photo by Sadeqa JohnsonThe rejection of an artist is so plentiful that you must love what you do in order to keep moving forward. So many times I've wanted to quit writing and settle for a job working in the travel department of the Newark Museum (that's of course if they would hire me). The problem is that even when I want to ignore my fierce attachment to weaving words on endless white pages, I just can't. The words come to me even when I shoo them. If I stay away too long the pit of my stomach aches, I'm agitated, restless, bored and everything pisses me off.
I'm saying this because today I had my heart shattered yet again. My first novel, Love in a Carry-on Handbag was so close to a publishing deal, that I was celebrating by shaking what my mama gave me to raspy rap lyrics all over my kitchen floor. But just as quick as the two-step I was told, "They passed." Like seriously? I'm already dancing and my hair is sweating out.
My closest friend tried cheering me with, "just think when you tell your success story, all of this rejection will make it that much sweeter." Terry McMillian was rejected 27 times before getting her deal (and I'm about half way there), but honestly those facts don't ease the crack in my heart and keep my guts from gushing out. JK Rowling told Oprah in an interview, "failure is absolutely necessary for success." I know she's right but trust me, if my success was handed to me this morning I would have truly appreciated it. I've been on the path to publishing for over ten years. Prior and during my penning, I worked as a publicist for Scholastic and had the joy of working on the first three Harry Potter books. Exciting right? I know Jo, and have the autographed copies and a picture of us together to prove it. From there I went over to Penguin Putnam to work in the adult division, and I sware it felt like leaving undergraduate school for grad and law school combined. It was incredibly hard work but I had wonderful mentors, and as an avid reader tried not be starstruck when I worked with the likes of Bebe Moore Campbell (my angel in the sky), Rebecca Walker, Amy Tan and TD Jakes. Working in the office was sometimes insane, but when I packed up for the day my novel came to me on the train, mostly in a tattered black and white composition book---just like the one from grade school.
When my first child was born I stayed home, changed diapers, breastfeed through two bouts of mastitis, massaged a breast that wouldn't drain properly, and lived amidst a house that would not stay clean. And how I cried. Tears over not getting enough sleep, over the new skin I was in, the lost of my fancy titles, and being diminished to his mommy (though that name wouldn't actually stick until preschool). Fat watery droplets over the novel that I had planned to finish and pitch to agents but had very little time to attend. But I still grabbed my pen. My husband calls me the most discipline girl he knows, because I show up everyday for the page. I've shown up through three pregnancy, sleep deprivation, cranky toddlers refusing to nap and hang overs (because what else do mommies do to ease the loneliness of being home all day, but drink wine in the evening hoping it will all go away).
So I'm a writer no matter what the publishers say, and no matter how many times they turn me down. I have no choice but to keep putting one step in front of the other. It's the only way for me to be true to my authentic self, and to stay on the path of discovering who I really am. It's why I practice silence and meditation and read every motivational journal I can get my hands on.
June will make 11 years that the sensual love story of Erica Shaw, a high-strung publicist trying climb the corporate ladder and escape a family of number runners and Colt 45 drinkers, and her long distances boyfriend Warren Prince, a sexied-lipped trumpet player who can't be with her, but can't stand to be without her have been bouncing through my head. So I can't give up. Sure, it feels like my boyfriend broke up with me on a post-it, but I will live. At my core I know that this moment is exactly how it is supposed to be, because the entire Universe is as it should be. Everything is perfect. There are no accidents, so I'm drying my tears and writing.
Do what you love and do it with gust. And if you fail, fail greatly.
Love, Light and Laughter!
Dee, this is probably not what you expect, but reading this is SO inspiring you have no idea. Your words just wove their way into my heart, and CONFIRMED some things Ive been pondering. I know that today sucks. I know that today hurts. I also know that your have what it takes to overcome. And you have your spirituality and faith to lean on. Book or no book, your words permeate more than you know. I love you!
ReplyDeleteHi, I have been enjoying your blog as a silent observer, but this entry forced me out of my silence. So sorry to hear about your book deal. I am happy to hear that you aren't giving up, giving up is a surefire way to not meeting your goals. And you are so deserving of success, that I am certain it will come. Hang in there my creative friend, your time is coming. My good vibes....
ReplyDeleteyou are one of the few people in this world who knows (and is able to do) what you love. that, in itself, is a blessing. your shining moment will come, i am certain of it! you are passionately doing what you love and have great faith and a good attitude.
ReplyDeletesharing:
"to find a career to which you are adapted by nature, and then to work hard at it, is about as near to a formula for success and happiness as the world provides." - M. Sullivan
You're an inspiration, girl! I read you post today and you expressed how I felt last month. Working with a client to on her son's first birthday. I too showed up...meet with her, took all her ideas and turned them into creating a memory, did all the research, theme, color, etc..... I was so excited beacuse it was boy's party which I need for my portfolio and an awesome restaurant that would recommend me to other clients, We had great conversations for three weeks before she sent me an email saying she was not going to go through with the party after all! WHAT!!!!! It sucks!! I was in the frame of mind---why am I doing this???? But this month I got another major client, did a party long distance in Miami, and just made a connection to provide children's birthday parties for sports program. So grateful to God for the power to be move on and push on! You came back to the page!...Just keep coming back!
ReplyDeleteeven in your rejection you are still inspiring! sending you good energy. i will be one of the first to buy it WHEN it gets published!
ReplyDeleteDee,
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most dedicated writers I know! Rejections are the painful part of our process. But the rejection means your art is out there and not tucked away in a bookshelf in a corner office collecting dust embarassingly exposed by the sun's rays. You are out there, perservering and pursuing what it is you want. Reminders: Terri McMillian was told she didn't really have a voice and her book wouldn't sell. Waiting to Exhale burst onto the scene and opened up a new genre, became a crossover success, New York Times Bestseller, Hollywood motion picture and had women of all races waiting for their moment to Exhale.
E. Lynn Harris (May the Creator rest his sweet soul) was told that he didn't have a voice and that women, especially African-American women would not want to read about nor be interested in closet homosexual Black men. He went on to sell numerous copies out of the trunk of his car to women in beauty salons and Invisible Life not only appealed to African-American women, it became the go to book for identifying possible "Raymonds" we may have been dating. It too was a crossover success and paved the way for other "down low" and hetero/homo erotic black novels to be considered publish worthy.
Terri Woods, was rejected so harshly that she too took to selling her gritty street chick lit novels from her car. The sales were so phemomenal that she was later approached by not one but several mainstream publishers with major book deals. Last I heard she turned them all down flat and continued to market her own books online, on the street and in retail bookstores her damn self! I'm not sure if she's since signed on with a major publisher though. But all of this to say that it happens. When it does, it sucks. And I only wish I had half of your dedication, discipline and drive when it comes to pursuing my goal of becoming a New York Times Bestselling author and screenwriter. Press on and writer on! Much love...
Chin up Sadeqa,
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman and an inspiration to so many. I have no doubt that you will be published because you are determined and strong. Keep pushing forward and follow in the shoes of the amazing Terry McMillan who is a testament to the saying "When one door closes, another one opens".
I have faith in you and in your dream. You will see it come true!